Old Stuff: "Do I Exist???"

So the next 10+ posts are going to be old stuff that I've written and figured I'd put up on here.... I know it's a lot! But if I do it all in one shot, then I won't have to come back to it later, you know? :-P

Do I Even Exist???
Dec. 2, 2007

Ok, so I'm a diehard romantic. I don't know if that's obvious when people first get to know me...but it's the truth regardless. My favorite movie is "Pride & Prejudice" (which could possibly be the most romantic movie of all time) and my favorite book is "Redeeming Love." What can I say - I'm a romantic! I always dream of the day I'll meet "Mr. Right" and be whisked off to Sydney to live happily ever after. (lol ok, so it's not exactly like that....) But anyways...lately it seems like anyone I've ever been interested in...something's wrong with them. Whether it be they have a girlfriend, they're retarded, or they're just too old. (I gave up on Matt Damon yesterday....) Part of me wants to wait until God drops him right in front of me (no, I'm not referring to Matt Damon...although I could go for that), but part of me's like "I wanna be the girl with the boyfriend for once!!!" I've never had a boyfriend, and I've never been kissed...and I'm almost 17. I don't feel pressured at all to check those off my list or anything.... It's just that sometimes I want to feel special, too, you know? This is probably horrible, but at school I'm always like, "Oh my gosh - SHE has a boyfriend?" or vice versa. I know I'm not the most beautiful girl in the world...but sometimes I want to know what it's like. And not with just anyone. Don't get me wrong - I'm NOT desperate! I'd be single for a really long time before I went out with some random person...that's not how I roll. ;-)

You know what's interesting...a couple months ago I almost got into my first relationship and thank God I didn't. I didn't know him super-well, but I tend to think the best of people until proven otherwise. I knew that he hadn't had the best life, but he was trying to change all that. He was absolutely smitten with me. I couldn't return those feelings. But when we talked I got all excited and nervous.... Just ask my best friend - I was an emotional mess! But I was a mess because I knew that I didn't like him nearly as much as he liked me. It was a tough situation, but some circumstances arose and he ended up moving away. Honestly...I can say I felt relieved. I ended up finding out some things that made me go "Oh my gosh...I almost fell for that. What could've happened to me?"

I'm glad that nothing ended up happening and nothing was taken from me.... I can still dream of the first time I'll hold hands, go on a date, have my first kiss.... I want all those "firsts" to be with someone special.... Not just for fun...but to really get to know someone.... But so far, it looks like I've got more waiting to do. :-) Deep down, waiting is ok with me. I've got big dreams. I want to go to school outside of LA and study [marketing] and then go to Sydney and study [music]. Although I really don't want to wait until I go to Sydney to meet my Aussie man, I'm willing to hold out for him. Who knows...maybe I won't even have to go to Sydney to meet him. ;-)