My "Pre-Life" Crisis

Feb. 18, 2008

It is here, halfway through February 2008, that I find myself in what I'm calling a "pre-life crisis". I turned 17 a month ago and now I'm already into the second semester of my junior year of high school. A few weeks ago I just felt like my whole future crashed over me in a tidal wave.... Let me explain.

I'm sort of a crazy child.... I've been looking at colleges since the 7th or 8th grade. It's always been something I've been interested in and it was never really a question of whether or not I was going to college.... I was going. The way I'm wired, I view my life as a never-ending countdown to something, somewhere. I counted down the days til I turned 17, could legally drive people in my luxurious minivan, my senior year, college, etc. But graduation and college has always seemed so incredibly distant....and now it's just a football field away.

A few weeks ago I just began deeply thinking about these things....all the changes that are going to be taking place in a year and a half's time....and I honestly felt like I was going to cry....just break into tears right then and there, in the middle of my British Literature class. I was suddenly completely overwhelmed with....well, everything, it seemed like. I would probably not get to see many of my friends again, or at least for long periods of time, I wouldn't see my family, I wouldn't be able to go to my church.... Oh, so many things.

What's sort of funny is that I want change. Deep down inside of me, I know I want things to change. I want to go out and explore the world....explore myself....explore this glorious thing called Life. I want to try new things and fall more in love with the Creator of it all. I know I'm not meant to stay here forever. But at the same time, there's fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure.

This whole college process has been and is going to be very difficult for my family. My parents can be a bit overprotective at times and this whole thing of their daughter growing up and becoming an adult is such a shock for them. It's going to be incredibly hard for them to let go. My little sister is going to be forced to find out who she really is as a person, without her big sister around. It'll force her to become more of a leader, I think. But as much as I want my parents to let go, (and believe me, I do!) a small....itsy-bitsy....almost microscopic part of me doesn't want them to.

I think comfort has a huge part in what I'm feeling and going through right now. I'm so comfortable here. Especially in church life and with all of my fabulous friends. I've found my niche and I'm surrounded by people I love, and people who love me. I'm doing what I love and I've just been so blessed.... I can't even put into the words the intense gratitude I have in my heart. As much as I'm ready for a new adventure, I'm a bit terrified. Of the new hurdles I'll have to leap over.... All the new people I'll have to meet....

I think that's another thing: people. Oh my word, I love people. :-) One thing I don't like, though, is having to establish myself...or build a reputation for myself. I've noticed that about myself whenever I changed schools. Like when I started elementary school, then moved to middle school, and now to high school. Each time I had to re-establish who I was, because my new teachers had no idea. They probably thought I was a punk kid like everybody else, and I always tried to show them that I wasn't. I was a good student who got good grades and just wanted to keep doing it. (Yes, I'm a goody-two-shoes, ok? :-) I think college is going to be similar to this, but on a much grander scale. Most of the people I know, work with, and do life with have known me since I was in the 5th or 6th grade. They know me pretty well and we have a history together. In college, NO ONE is going to know who I am as a person or anything about me. I won't have a history with anyone. Everyone's going to make their judgements and I will have to re-establish myself once again. (Please don't get me wrong, I don't expect people to "know who I am".... I know I'm not a celebrity or even someone who should be known.) All the people I hold so dear won't be there. My best friends won't be there. The people who know me the most won't be there. I won't have anyone to confide in or have inside jokes with.... Sure, I'll make friends, I'm not super-worried about that. ;-) But it takes time to really get to know someone....and maybe that's what I'm worried about.

College is going to be the biggest shock of my life (so far). I have no doubts about that. A part of me wants to go so bad and get all of this mundane stuff overwith, but another part of me just wants to keep on doing what I'm doing here...with the people I've come to know and love. I look forward to the future with a nervous smile and anticipation....but dread the day when I'll have to say goodbye to everything that's familiar.