Farewell, lovely people!

so.... as i am currently transitioning into the second phase of my life, i'm starting a new blog with a much simpler address: feleshaanderson.blogspot.com. it will also be on facebook, just like this blog was. you can keep up with me and what's happening during my internship if that kind of thing interests you. stalking isn't preferred, but if you'd like to be in the know so you can keep me in your prayers, that's more than welcomed! :-)

in more random news, i found a few old journals i had when i was 9, 10, and 11 years old. oh my word - hilarious. for some strange reason, i have a natural affinity for journals. they just have so many styles! (ever been to the journal section of target? ah - i'd buy them all!) do i ever fill them up? NO, of course not. all the ones i have are filled out up to half-way.... which i think says other things about my personality, haha!

A letter to the seniors.... (Well, I guess you can still read this even if you're not a senior yet haha!)

my senior year was the best year of high school, by far. it was super hard at times and incredibly stressful, but God opened SO many doors for me that i wasn't even expecting. i felt like my sphere of influence was enlarged exponentially.... i truly felt like i made a difference and got to LIVE OUT my faith in front of my peers in a way i didn't feel like i could the previous 3 years.... i guess God was just preparing me! He gave me such a platform to positively influence the lives of those around me. i wouldn't trade that for anything. seriously.

all that to say that there's NO telling what God will do in and through your life. my advice: be praying and expecting Him to do something!!! He did so much in my life, and I honestly wasn't even necessarily praying or expecting the impact to be huge. but once He made my steps firm, He just blew my mind and i know that He affected so many people because i was just a willing spirit.

risk was involved. don't think for a second that it was the easy way to go! i could have stayed in my comfort zone and NOT stepped out in faith. i had to try new things and risk embarrassment and failure, which i'm not a huge fan of, haha! God gave me the opportunity to use my gifts in ways i hadn't really thought of, and the results were amazing and humbling. He provided me a way to truly live out Romans 12:1-2 - i love it in the message:

"so here's what i want you to do, God helping you: take your everyday, ordinary life - your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life -- and place it before God as an offering. embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. don't become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. instead, fix your attention on God. you'll be changed from the inside out. readily recognize what He wants from you, and quickly respond to it. unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, developing well-formed maturity in you."

take those words and bury them in your heart, senior. you CAN make a difference. there's a verse in the Bible (i'm not a Bible scholar lol) that says something like "God's eyes are searching the earth for one whose heart is turned towards Him." He's LOOKING for someone who is willing to step outside of themselves and surrender to God's will. will you stand up, senior? will you put your hand up and say, "here i am, send me"?

maybe it's starting a prayer group or Bible club, running for student government, joining a club on a topic you've been interested in, trying out for a sports or dance team, or just befriending someone in your class. God can and will use what you give Him. just give Him your fish and loaves of bread - watch how He'll multiply it.

for me, God gave me leadership opportunities and i got to influence and inspire so many of the underclassmen. i got to sing solos twice during the year and i was blown away by the impact that had. the one at the beginning of the year wasn't even a Christian song! but God anointed it and people were touched. the other was for our senior show and has gone literally all over the world via facebook. i also auditioned my high school's musical, and got the lead part, and i hadn't been in a play since middle school. i also got to have a leadership role in our choir with a good friend of mine who's also a Christian and we got to make sure every choir student felt valued. i got to sing and worship with a new youth ministry and make so many new friends. through that, i got to pray during an all-county worship & prayer night which many of my peers were at.

God's favor was over it ALL and i'm humbled that He would use me. DON'T UNDERESTIMATE WHAT GOD CAN DO WITH YOUR "LUNCH." you may feel like you have nothing to offer, but THAT'S NOT TRUE. pray, ask God to help you and give you opportunities to share His love, to be His hands and feet to your school.

i'm sorry this is so long. i got inspired while sharing a piece of my story with a friend. :-)

my prayer for you, senior, is that when graduation comes around, you can look around and know you've left a positive imprint on your school and on your peers; that you'll have no regrets; that you'll know you gave God your all and left it all on the table.

here's to the class of 2010! :-) God bless you all!!!

Ugh.... Inspiration OVERLOAD! (Is that even possible?)

oh man.... i have literally bajillions of things floating in my head right now.... some good, some bad, i wish i could write for days.... so many things heavy on my heart i want to share.... inspired by so much and thought i'd just blab a little on what i'm chewing on lately....

currently, i'm reading "the kiss of heaven" by darlene zschech for, like, the 4th or 5th time.... it's truly one of my favorite books, and i'm challenged every time i read it. i wish i could write all about what i'm learning just by reading that book!

my little sis and mom finally picked up a new worship album by deluge from bethany world prayer center in louisiana. GOOD STUFF. if you can't worship with that, there must be something wrong with you, and we'll pray for your salvation later. (HAHA!) favorite song: "i need You," which i believe was penned by the fantastic jonathan stockstill. they have a different sound from, say, hillsong/united, which is so fresh and mixes up my own personal worship times. i love new stuff! another total favorite is "open up the sky." i enjoy his writing style because it's direct, which is similar to my own style of writing. will hopefully expand more on this album sometime in the future before i move....

books i still REALLY want to read and eventually own:

"the great generational transition" by darlene zschech
"it" by craig groeschel
"can i have and do it all please?" by christine caine

lastly, i'm inspired by stuff just going on in my own life and the situations that come up.... so much i want to say, it just gets overwhelming at times.... i feel like i need a MASSIVE creative release.... wish i could be up all night and type up the things that are in my heart and mind right now.... i don't know if i'll ever have the time.... i suppose the only solution is to break it down and just do it piece by piece.... (so NOT my personality.... "why can't i just do it all at once???" is more my style, but not always the best tactic haha!)

A new breed....

I saw a good friend's mom and brother at a coffee shop the other day, and asked him how football practice was going because he's a really good athlete. His answer surprised me in the best possible way.

"Actually, I'm not going to be doing any sports this year. I really feel that God is telling me to use that time to know Him better."

WHAT?!? He's going to be a junior - I think he's around 16 years old. I high-fived him and told him he's a stud, because he is! How many 16 year old boys do you know who would give up SPORTS for GOD??? Not many.

God is really raising up a generation of young people who are passionate about Him. People who want to worship, pray, and DO something with their faith. People who aren't content with living a life filled with rules and regulations to somehow be a "good Christian" in their own efforts. People who love God and love life. People who are going to make a difference.

My friend's brother also added that he's going to be leading the F.I.S.H. (Friends In Sharing Him) group at his high school (my alma mater hahaha).

There's no telling what God can do with a heart that is fully submitted to Him. :-)

Additional Note:

This isn't to somehow convict you and ask yourself "What am I sacrificing for God?" Because that's not necessarily the point. God has spoken something differently to each and every one of us. The question to ask ourselves is "are we doing what God has spoken to us?" Do we love God more than our gifts/talents/abilities?

For Abraham, it was his son. For Esther, it was her "invisible" life. For Hosea, it was a "traditional" wife. For Peter, it was his job as a fisher. For Jesus, it was His very life, will, and decisions.

What is God telling YOU?

(Feel free to share if you'd like!)

Carefree

I was reading 1 Peter 5 this morning in "the Message" and I think it's one of my favorite chapters! I'd encourage you to read it. Anyways, verses 6 and 7 stuck out to me:

"So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; He'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; He is most careful with you."

How beautiful is THAT??? "Live carefree before God; He is most careful with you." Oh, I just love that.

In the ESV (English Standard Version) it reads:

"Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time He may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you."

I love love LOVE the Message's take on that verse because it puts a whole other spin on it. "He is most careful with you." .... I've never ever thought of that verse in that way before. I guess it's never occured to me that God would be most careful with me, you know? It's such a humbling, personal thought.... We don't have to stress, worry, or fear.... We have every reason to trust our loving Father because He is careful with us! We are precious to Him! He values us THAT much.... Oh, He is just so good.... I'm so glad He revealed that to me....

Let's not forget that.... What a beautiful message.... It'll change your life, if you let it. :-)

"Live carefree before God; He is most careful with you."

A Mother's Worship

on sunday, i had the privilege of singing at a friend's church about 40min away. it's a russian church, and a great group of people. the presence of God was in that place and it was so easy to worship alongside of them. even though most of their songs were in russian, i just hummed along to the tune or sang my own song to God in english! lol

a little over a year ago, the senior pastor of that church lost one of his sons in a tragic and random series of events that still don't really make sense to this day. it was such a shock to everyone, and even now it's hard to think about.

the pastor's wife and one of their daughters were singing on the stage, and i noticed that the wife began to cry a little bit. (i cry all the time during worship because the presence of the King is just SO moving and humbling.) however, i was brought to tears myself. although His undeniable presence was there, i was touched by the mother's act of worship. i was so aware of what it cost her to bring her praise to God. here is a woman who's lost her son, and she's still singing praises to God. talk about costly worship, and bringing a sacrifice of praise.

i've never been though anything as tragic as that. i am so moved by her faith in God. her, and her husband, and her family, have had to hold on to God because there was no other choice - period.

i wonder about her journey of faith.... i just can't imagine having to go though what she's gone through.... and worshiping God in spite of it all.... and i only know a small part of their story....

"Fire in my bones"

2 blogs in 1 day .... a record?? perhaps....

SO, i was at youth tonight and it was the last one of the year. kinda the last one for me period. we had it at the park in this covered area and sang worship songs....it was so beautiful.

there were people walking around outside, cuz it's a public park, and something inside of me just kind of broke. now, i'm gonna be honest, i can't hide my emotions very well. they live in this cute little corner of my sleeve, and kind of, well, do whatever they want. :-)

anyways, something inside me broke, and it was like, God gave me His eyes.... i saw the people as He sees them.... people He created, He loves.... i began to wonder about their lives, if they knew this Love, if they had this hope that consumes me.... tears welled and trickled down my face as i just got this deep burden for the people, all the people, who are in such desperate need for hope, for true, abundant, and eternal life.... and then i turned around and looked at the buttload of students and leaders worshipping Jesus and declaring that our God is mighty to save to this broken, hurting, and love-starved world.... and i just got this revelation that THIS IS IT. this is what it is ALL about. not our cute little churches. not the 4 walls that contain us. we ARE the Church and we are NEEDED.

and then i just got this burning, persistent sense in my spirit.... like, i needed to share something. i was like, "oh well, maybe it'll pass, whatever" and kind of dismissed it, but it just grew and grew into, like, a fire in my bones.... i had a message i couldn't contain. i actually got physically jittery and i just HAD to share! and, of course, i bawled my eyes out. i wish i could control my crying, REALLY!! i'm an ESFP (personality type - google it) and i feel things very deeply. i frequently cry during worship, i'm not gonna lie.... His presence just captures me in a very deep way and that's how i respond i guess.... LOL

anyways, eventually God gave me an opportunity to speak, and i hope someone got what i was trying to say.... i care so much about that group of people, and KNOW that God's got a MOVEMENT that's going to come from them.... i love and believe in them so much and mean every word that i said tonight.... there's a world that needs the Solution we have.... let's live this thing out and run this race....

i'll leave you with hebrews 6:10-12 in "the message":

"God doesn't miss anything. He knows perfectly well all the love you've shown Him by helping needy Christians, and that you keep at it. And now I want each of you to extend that same intensity toward a full-bodied hope, and keep at it till the finish. Don't drag your feet. Be like those who stay the course with committed faith and then get everything promised to them."

Mark 7

for some reason, i really like mark 7. i'd encourage you to read it sometime. basically, the first part of the chapter is Jesus talking with the pharisees about how they claim to be so spiritual when they fail to fulfill the commandments. they dishonor their parents by claiming they gave their gifts to God instead, and Jesus calls them on it. the bottom line of this section is that it's not what we take in, or eat, that pollutes our lives, it's what comes out of us. the disciples don't get what He's saying, so He lays it out plain for them. by saying that what we eat doesn't contaminate us or our hearts, He's making it clear that all foods are fit to eat. this is contrary to jewish law because they had many dietary restrictions. Jesus is saying that food shouldn't be our main source of arguments. it shouldn't be what trips us up, keeps us repentant before God, and causes resentment amongst our brothers and sisters. it shouldn't be our main concern. rather, we should be paying the acutest attention to what is coming OUT of our mouths, for that is what contaminates our hearts and lives. in "the message," verses 20-23 read like this, [Jesus speaking] "It's what comes out of a person that pollutes: obscenities, lusts, thefts, murders, adulteries, greed, depravity, deceptive dealings, carousing, mean looks, slander, arrogance, foolishness - all these are vomit from the heart. There is the source of your pollution."

the rest of the chapter is about Jesus healing two people: a Greek woman's demon-posessed daughter, and a man who was deaf and mute. what particularly struck me was the story about the woman. she comes to Jesus and begs Him to heal her daughter, and this is His reply (verse 27, NIV): "First let the children eat all they want, for it is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs." - WOW! sounds pretty harsh, Jesus....calling her a dog because she's a gentile.... but this woman was bold, and replied, "Yes, Lord, but even the dogs under the table eat the children's crumbs." Jesus was impressed with her reply and told her to go - "the demon has left your daughter." and when the woman returned home, that's exactly what she found. i always thought that was a rather harsh way to deal with a woman who wanted healing for her daughter, but Jesus never sinned. period. and i guess perhaps he knew what her reply would be. maybe she needed to step out in boldness and faith, and his curt response gave her that opportunity when i'd imagine many others would be offended, give up, and turn away.... i don't know.... just thoughts to think about. :-)

Well, ok then....

Yesterday at church (KMC), we had some guest speakers that are missionaries to India, Dr. David and Dr. Lynn Willis. What a dynamic couple!

It was my week to lead worship and my team introduced "Revelation Song" by Jennie Lee Riddle. It went well and the congregation really liked the song, but sometimes it's hard to tell from the stage. But the music set was really good in my opinion, and God showed up, which is the best thing ever....it's the only thing that matters! I worshiped, I cried, it was great. Haha!

Anyways, Dr. David gave a great word on the Issachar anointing and knowing the times and seasons of God, he and Dr. Lynn prayed for everybody while we led them in worship.

After the service was over, my mom wanted Dr. Lynn to pray for me, and we all talked for a little bit about my internship, etc., and she began to pray.

It was incredible to me because she basically prayed my entire life - all my hopes and fears, and we'd only met that day. She mentioned things like leadership (that was a big one), prophecy, discernment, worship leading, protection, having a worshiper's heart, relationships, provision, etc. I was blown away at how God knows it all.... Like, yes, He knows because He knows everything, but He also cares. It's so encouraging to know that He's marked me.... that He's guiding me.... I just can't wait to see what He's going to do! :-)

Religion kills....

so before you chop my head off and excommunicate me for blasphemy, hear me out.

one of dictionary.com's definitions for religion: "the practice of religious beliefs; ritual observance of faith" (emphasis mine)

i spent some time in portland this past weekend for my cousin's wedding. i spent 2 days there at the church where the wedding was going to take place. let's just say, hospitality was not one of the church's spiritual gifts.... the pastor who was performing the ceremony was also the pastor of the church.... he didn't introduce himself to my dad, who walked my cousin down the aisle, nor to my family. he just kept using vague terms like "this man" or variances thereof. he showed up late to the rehearsal and the wedding, flew through the vows, and had a certain haughty air about him.

because of the chaos and disorganization, i ended up acting as the wedding planner. the pastor called the groom and i into his office much too close to the time the ceremony was actually supposed to start, and ran over the schedule of events. not once did he ask my name or anything. the couple was planning on lighting unity candles, but didn't run through that at the rehearsal. he mentioned all this to me, and the ceremony finally got underway. he literally FLEW through the vows and skipped the unity candle part entirely. i don't know what happened between our little powwow and the actual ceremony, but apparently he forgot. did he even know the couple??? sometimes i wondered....

since i stepped in as sort of a wedding coordinator, i sent out the bridesmaids & groomsmen down the aisle at the beginning of the ceremony. this lady was sitting in the hallway telling me i did it all wrong because i sent the maid of honor down first and she was supposed to go before the bride.... whoops! it was my first wedding that i've coordinated, ok? and the maid of honor lined up first, so i just sent her down! lol anyways, i found out the lady was the events coordinator for the church, and we wondered where she was yesterday when we were trying to figure it all out! she proceeded to act aloof and say things the rest of the day. once again, never introducing herself to my family or anything.

contrast to this.... on sunday morning my family and i went to portland city bible church. while we were still approaching the building, an older man made a friendly, joking comment to my dad. my mom and i went into the bathroom and a young woman started up a conversation with us and introduced herself. then once we were seated waiting for the service to start, another older man greeted us, introduced himself, and talked with us. such a breath of fresh air!!! we'd been on the church property for about 20min and we'd already talked with 3 different people. quite a contrast to our experience in the last couple of days.

worship was fantastic. it was very simple, in fact, they did 3 songs in total and the service was over an hour and a half long. but the undeniable presence of God was there. you can't deny the power of spontaneous worship!!! when the worship leader exhorted us, the congregation, to sing our own song to the Lord and worship Him in our own words, the people did not back down. they lifted up His praises unlike what i'm used to on a weekly basis. it was beautiful!!! we spent so much time just basking in His presence, not singing a song, but lifting up our own unique, individual songs of adoration as a collective body....oh, it was just beautiful.

it was my first time in a satellite service (where the pastor isn't there live preaching a sermon, but you watch him on a screen), and it was weird at first, but got used to it. it kinda felt like i was watching TV with a bunch of people! haha! but their pastor, frank damazio, was great. he started a new series on compassion that i'm going to try to follow on their website: citybiblechurch.org. i'd encourage you to follow along with me! it was challenging, and it was only week one! haha!

during and after the sermon, it was obvious that these people, this group of believers was serious about the words of their pastor. not only his words, but the words and mandate given to all of us that call ourselves children of the King. they were going to do their best to be true, compassionate people!! i was struck by their honesty and understanding. truly striving to not only be hearers, but doers of the Word.

for all the new people vising the church, they offer a free espresso drink and pastry from their cafe! wow! and it was all very good. we all had blackberry coffee cake that they make onsite - delicious. while we were waiting, the campus pastor came out to the cafe to grab a drink, and introduced himself to my dad and the rest of us. he stayed and talked for quite a while and was a super friendly guy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i can't describe the difference i felt between the two church bodies. let alone, in the pastors that shepherd there. one pastor who had a reserved spot in front of the church and never bothered himself with introducing himself, and the other stayed and had a genuine conversation with us.

religion kills.... if i was only exposed to pastor #1, and that was the extent of my "religious experience," i would be turned off to Christianity completely, without a doubt.

then pastor #2.... wow.... i'm filled w/so much gratitude.... i forgot what church was like for the first time....the importance of a genuine, friendly face....of one interested in your life....don't underestimate it, folks....it's powerful. we must live out compassion and resist the urge to reach for the cutesy, plastic, religious mask....where it becomes all about appearance and not about the heart....about rituals and practices, while forsaking the vital relationship that's supposed to fuel them....

the Church is beautiful when we're humble, loving, compassionate people of God....when we treat others with the genuine respect, concern and interest....when we remember the love bestowed upon us by our extravagant Savior when we were most undeserving, and still are....

we must not forget....we can't afford to forget....to many lost, confused, troubled, hurting souls hang in the balance....it's time to rise up, Church.

New entertainment

bought the french band phoenix's cd the other week called "wolfgang amadeus phoenix" .... pretty good stuff! check out "lisztomania" (my #1 fave) & "1901" (the first song i heard from them, also great!). "fences" has a cool 70's musical feel to it, and "lasso" is catchy. the vocals on "rome" are a tad too nasal for my liking. the worst part of the cd is a 5min+ instrumental song.... i'm thinking coldplay should be the only band who does instrumental songs cuz it's actually enjoyable! phoenix's attempt falls short and borders on annoying for me....so there are definitely 3 solid faves for me, but i'm still warming up to the rest of the cd.

saw the movie "the proposal" this weekend. so cute! sure, the plot is sort of predictable in that you know they're going to fall in love in the end, but how it unfolds was pleasant and actually funny! definitely some laugh-out-loud moments and i was surprised to find ryan reynolds very attractive by the end of the movie....lol i'm for sure making plans to see it again. a great date film! (on a bit of a side note....there was unnecessary, excess nudity, however, the couple never sleeps together, which i found interesting....i think the nudity was there to replace that somehow....)

also saw "star trek" .... sort of against my will lol but i didn't pay for it! i thought the movie was very well-made, the graphics were great and believable. the plot was ok, but i'm not a sci-fi fan. more of a romantic comedy or action kind of girl. :-) and the movie felt so long!! a lot of story set-up, if you know what i mean. but definitely wouldn't go see it again. once was enough, haha.

Read it for YOURSELF!

ok, so i'm sure you've all seen the tv shows like dr.phil, oprah, and all the judge so-and-so shows where a spouse has been unfaithful and their trying to decide whether or not they should stay married.

for me, when i think of being married someday, if my husband were to be unfaithful, he's out the door! it's a non-negotiable. i knew that the Bible says God hates divorce. i got that. but in the back of my mind i always thought somehow God would understand that reason.

and in church, honestly, you don't hear a lot about marriage, or what the Bible says about marriage. and if we do, it's usually referring to paul who thought it was better to stay single if you could help it. he didn't sound too enthusiastic about the whole idea of marriage.

anyways, i guess that's why i was so surprised when i was reading matthew 19 a few days ago. the first 12 verses talk about divorce. the religious people are trying to trick Jesus, like they always are, and this time they ask him, "is it legal for a man to divorce his wife for any reason?" (the Message) Jesus proceeds to answer them, but they continue to argue with Him. In His second answer, He says, "...I'm holding you to the original plan, and holding you liable for adultery if you divorce your faithful wife and then marry someone else. I make an exception in cases where the spouse has committed adultery."

i never knew Jesus actually said that! i also didn't know He was so "pro-marriage." In verses 11 and 12, Jesus says, "not everyone is mature enough to live a married life. it requires a certain aptitude and grace. marriage isn't for everyone. some, from birth seemingly, never give marriage a thought. others never get asked - or accepted. and some decide not to get married for kingdom reasons. but if you're capable of growing into the largeness of marriage, do it." (the Message)

i also love how it reads in the NIV: "not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given." (v11) and the end of verse 12 reads, "the one who can accept this should accept it." and in the ESV it reads, "let the one who is able to receive this receive it." (v12)

i've never heard those passages used when discussing marriage. it's as if at times, paul's words, thoughts, and teachings are put above the very One who inspired it all.... but i was very happy to find those gems for myself.... i could always use more of Jesus' words....

new tunes!

bought the new hillsong united CD "across the earth//tear down the walls" today! whoot whoot! so excited to have new tunes ringing in the eardrums. i tend to get tired of music relatively quickly because i marinate in it for at least months at a time after i've purchased it. lol

also been listening to a good series on sex and lust by pastor billy huffman called "between the sheets" .... check it out at www.generationchurch.org.

hot weather expected tomorrow.... unfortunately too poor to afford new summer clothes.... so i'm trying to scrape some outfits together.... always fun and games, really....

got church & baccalaureate tomorrow.....should prove to be a very full day.....and it's my best friend's 18th bday!!! so that's really exciting....gotta go pick up a present for her.... oh procrastination....

and it's officially ONE WEEK til graduation....so ridiculous the speed at which time flies! thank you, john mayer: "won't someone stop this train?"

Fallen off the face of the earth?

hey hey hey .... sorry the blogs have been so very far between.... senior year is stressful, i tell ya! i believe the count is 5 more days til graduation, and it's just unreal.... the senior issue of the school newspaper comes out tomorrow, and i'm SUPER excited to see it!!! (my 3 best friends are the editors :-)

music i'm dying to buy.... the new CD by the french band, phoenix, and the new album "across the earth//tear down the walls" by hillsong united, which is now #1 or #2 on the US itunes chart....UNBELIEVABLE....i don't know them personally, but seriously, that's such fantastic news....God is ridiculously good....

as for future plans, i've decided to hold back at least a year on a college education. instead, i'll be part of an internship program in a large city near my place of residence.... :-) simply stoked for what God's going to do through that program....it's going to be amazing, and my interview is in a couple weeks, which i think is the easy part, haha!

i seriously can't believe this school year is ending....it's all so surreal....but wow, has God proven Himself once again, i mean really. He has opened so many doors for me and i can graduate knowing that i made a difference and left a positive impact on my school.... no greater feeling, really. it's as if all my schooling thus far was preparation for this year (and consequently for those to follow)....like being backstage, and then this year, it's like He's put me onstage and pulled back the curtains....sort of like my debut into the real world, you know? but all in all, i truly believe He's been glorified....it's so NOT about me....

and youth has been going great too....such cool, gifted, caring people....heading out to Guatemala this summer for a mission trip with them....and hey, on a huge plug, i'm selling delicious, legit Guatemalan coffee for $10 to raise money....if you wanna buy one, contact me! :-)

gotta go take my amazingly talented sis to dance practice, then go look at some senior photos my friend took of my 3 best friends and i, then off to practice for the baccalaureate service....and after that, i've gotta write concert reports and fill out the packet for my choir final....

oh man, i've got to find a way not to stress and somehow continue functioning while my eyes are insisting on cashing in some zzzzzz's....

Pardon my vent.

....feeling a bit overwhelmed lately.... and i'm in need of a vent, so bear with me if you dare. i'm not sure how this is going to help me.... in fact, i think it may make it worse.... but i'm going on senioritis now so, what the heck....

1. the most immediate thing would be my kick-butt math test on monday.... the review is ridiculously hard and i might not even finish it.... i really can't explain how much i'm dreading this specific test....
2. scholarships. just the word sends shudders down my back. they might not be necessarily difficult, but they're just TIME-CONSUMING and so SPECIFIC. however, the must be done.
3. senior project. freaking a. so i'm teaching myself how to play the acoustic guitar, which is cool, however, i've b.s.ed all the logs, which is awesome.... so somehow i have to finish a bunch of stuff for that within the next week.
4. prom. oh my word....prom. ugh....well, i just hope things work out.... cuz i'd really hate to say no....that's enough stress in itself.
5. making huge, life-altering decisions scares the crap out of me.... ahhh MAJOR stress.
6. (low on the stress list, however, it is on there....) senior showcase. how can i possibly choose a song that sums up who i am and what i hope i've left here??? ah! stressful.

and i guess another one would be my future because well.... God's the only One who knows at this point.... *sigh* learning to rest/trust in Him is easier said than done, my friend.

ok, now let's look at some highlights.... (in order of occurence)

1. GC conference. i definitely need this. hopefully some things will be clarified and we'll just have a fabulous time.
2. spring break. unfortunately i'm not going anywhere and my college class starts that same week, but it's only 2 days. hopefully i'll get to get away for a little bit and just do some much-needed relaxing.
3. HILLSONG UNITED. this is going to be ridiculously amazing. i'm stoked beyond belief. (basically, it's a worship night w/this incredible band from australia. if you wanna go, and you should, talk to me!) www.hillsongunited.com
4. prom. you know what, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade, right? so we'll make this fun.... whether we have dates or not. :-)
5. choir tour. this is going to be so fun. natasha is going to have a blast! ;-) i'm getting really excited for this, actually.
6. senior pictures. i'm really looking forward to these. i have lots of ideas for them!
7. graduation + grad parties. um, what's NOT to love???

hhmmm.....this looks more like a countdown to graduation and peacing out....but oh well. i guess that's how it is, though.... a race to graduation.... which brings about it's own stress levels without a doubt.... but somehow, i'll try to focus on the positive....

check out michael buble's version of "summer wind" ... i love it!

Thank You!!!

WOW.... Grease was a HUGE success! I just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who came and supported me/us. :-) For those who came to see me, THANK YOU! I got to talk and take pictures with most of you, which is always fun. Haha! It meant so much to me that you could make it!!!

To the cast (if you read this lol) - YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING!! I had a great time working with and getting to know every one of you. :-)

So....now it's over, and it's sad, and I think we'd all love to do another weekend of shows! ;-) More pictures will be up soon....

i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.

what's the point of dreaming? if, in the end, money is the deciding factor? is it?
what do i want to get out of this life? what do i want accomplish?
why didn't those born before i
fund their expectations instead of leaving a state of frustration?
what's the point? is it worth it?
what are my dreams? do they matter if all i have are empty pockets?
take the cheapest option. but i can't stay here.
then the next cheapest. hated it.
why is the one thing i want so unattainable? is it unrealistic?
what do i want? what do i want?
i don't know. i don't know. i don't know.
anything.
what i am certain of are few
what am i supposed to do?
left in a haze
blinded by reality. by the facts.
by tears. by frustration. by anger.
by the unknown.
what matters? what doesn't?
what's needed? what's better left behind?
who do i listen to:
realist vs optimist
others' perceptions and expectations of me
and what i believe to be possible
i can't hear You anymore
can't see You in this place
it will all work out. it will all work out.
somehow Your hand is in it all
but it hurts too much. reality hurts too much.
where do they meet?
faith and practicality
if all things are possible....
if all is limitless....
then what's the point of dreaming?

Happy {Early} Valentine's Day!

I have to work, which is really lame, but it'll be a great day! I get to spend it with my twin and best friends.... I think we're going to make homemade cream puffs! Yes! :-)

Even if you don't have a special someone, (*cough* like me *cough*) I hope you get to spend Valentine's Day with people you love. What more could one ask for?

Update!

Wow! It's been a month since I've written anything.... I've thought of lots of things to write about, but then I get consumed with something else and forget all about it. :-)

Anyways, what have I been up to? As of late, the play is taking up most of my time. It's a lot of fun, but pretty challenging as well. I have SO MUCH TO MEMORIZE and I don't even have a lot of lines/songs compared to the other cast members. I don't know how they do it....

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do about college and stuff yet, but I'm leaning towards Arizona State University. I plan on visiting over Spring Break and getting my financial aid package before making a final decision.... (Keep praying! :-)

God is really moving here. We had a night of worship & prayer for high school students and about 300 kids showed up. Awesome! I had the privilege of being a part of the night and it was so great seeing so many friends from school there. Church has also been incredible and it's great to be involved in what God's doing there.

I had a birthday a few weeks ago and had SO much fun! A girls' night with over 15 of my closest friends, meant we were bound to have a good time, and let me assure you, a good time was definitely had by all. ;-)

I was nominated for a blind date though YoungLife, which I don't even go to (LOL!). It was a lot of fun and my date and I went ballroom dancing! We learned "West Coast Swing" for all you dancers out there. ;-) We were one of three dates that are being made into a video and will be shown at the Feb. YoungLife. I can't wait to see it!

Finals went really well. I got an A on my Precalculus test. An A!!!! That's ridiculous. Truly a miracle of God....

I'm now well past the halfway mark to graduation, and wow is that scary! It's been a great year and has been just as stressful as it's been fun! Ah! - so many decisions and changes are going to be happening in the coming weeks/months...and it's definitely intimidating at times. But I just try to focus on the NOW and enjoy every moment as it comes. :-)

What I'm reading right now: The Barbarian Way by Erwin Raphael McManus. It's a FANTASTIC book! So challenging and puts things into perspective. READ IT!

What I'm listening to right now: Awake by Josh Groban. I got it for a present from my twin, and my favorite song is "So She Dances!" :-)

A Realization

I. Love. People.

It's as simple as that, really. Yes, I've always known it but.... I guess I surprise myself with how deeply I must. have. that. connection.

My father is an introvert, so he doesn't need that connection like I do. I don't think he understands that I need to be around my friends just as much as he needs to be alone.

My friends. Wow, they are truly fabulous people. I thank God every day for them, seriously. I love being around them. Laughing at them, watching a movie, sipping Starbucks, anything. I would love nothing more to entertain them in my home all the time! I'd love to do that. When I have my own home, it will be like that. I promise you. :-)

Maybe it's my artistic tendencies.... Artists tend to feel things deeply, both good and bad. I can't always control my emotions. Sometimes they erupt at the surface before I have a chance to yell, STOP! Although I may not feel like I need to cry about it, I do. Because it's so important for me to be understood, accepted, acknowledged, and listened to. Validated. Maybe because I get frustrated.... Not in an angry way, but because whoever I'm talking with just. doesn't. get it.

My friends matter so much to me that, yes, I guess I would cry for them. They are a part of me. Perhaps it is I that doesn't understand why someone else wouldn't value them as such.

But it's not personal. I must keep telling myself that. For me, the two are one-in-the-same and hard to differentiate between.

Albertine

That's the title of Brooke Fraser's latest CD, which was distributed throughout the U.S. of A. last year, 2008. What a fabulous CD! I've wanted to get it for a long time, and since no one got it for me as a gift, I broke down and bought it myself. :-) Her sound is acoustic, and simple, with great, GREAT lyrics and melodies. It's only just over 45 minutes, and I wish there was more! One song, in particular, that's just beautiful is the last song on the album, simply titled "Hymn." It's become my prayer, and I've shared the lyrics below. Enjoy, and may this be the prayer of all who believe.

Hymn

words and music by Brooke Fraser

~

if to distant lands I scatter

if I sail to farthest seas

would you find and firm and gather

'til I only dwell in Thee?

~

if I flee from greenest pastures

would you leave to look for me?

forfeit glory to come after

'til I only dwell in Thee

~

if my heart has one ambition

if my soul one goal to seek

this my solitary vision

'til I only dwell in Thee

~

that I only dwell in Thee

'til I only dwell in Thee

Burning.... Freedom.... Passion

I just got the book The Barbarian Way by Erwin Raphael McManus, and it's so good! It's about "unleasing the untamed faith within" and rejecting a "civilized" Christianity by instead becoming passionate disciples of Jesus Christ. Cool stuff. Anyways, this is just something I love that's right in the first few pages of his book:

It's hard to imagine that Jesus would endure the agony of the Cross just to keep us in line. Jesus began a revolution to secure our freedom. The new covenant that He established puts its trust not in the law, but in the transforming power of God's Spirit living within us. The revolution of the human heart would fuel the life and vitality of this movement. We would delight in God, and He would give us the desires of our hearts (Psalms 37:4). With our hearts burning for God, we would move forward with the freedom to pursue the passions burning within us. [emphasis mine]

I love that last sentence.... God is so beautiful! His plans - His thoughts - are so magnificent....

Well, enjoy that little tidbit as you go on your merry way. :-)